BUD POETRY AND PUSS: № 8.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know i’ll see again

It was the best first kiss in the history of first kisses. It was as sweet as sugar. And it was warm, as warm as pie. The whole world opened up and I fell inside. I don’t know where I was, but I didn't care. I didn't care because the only person who mattered was there with me.

Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen

I'm going to tell you something, there’s two types of guys out there, the ones that hold your hand and the ones that fuck you. and the guys that fuck you aren't worth a damn.

It's so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.

Chuck Palahniuk

'It's kinder of easier when you got nothing because nothing can't be taken away from you. But I don't want nothing any more.'

Less comparing, and more joy

When the sun comes up it’s like none of this ever happened. Erase loneliness, erase doubt and guilt. Erase the truth and blind bad thoughts out with the day. Clean your face, wrap yourself in gold. You’re ready to make today the day to be big, good and satisfied. but near the end of the day you’re begging’ for a sip again, a little taste… okay maybe a gulp to fill you up.

I think it has always been you. That’s so delicately fierce

and structured to say though. I know I have denied it in the
past, but people say foolish things and do foolish actions
and believe foolish thoughts and continue foolish habits

“Some masks we put on because it’s truly who we want to be. Some we wear because we can’t bear to face what’s really underneath. Or because it’s what someone else needs us to be. And some masks we wear because we hope to stay hidden. But that’s the problem with wearing masks. They can be ripped off at any moment.”

“We make our own fortunes and then call them fate.”

“You expect the worst, the worst will happen. You are your own stress, your own anger, your own sadness, your own frustration. If you let things bother you, they will. So don’t let them. Just be happy. Nothing in life is easy, so make the best of it all. Don’t dwell on the negatives.”

summer cannot come fast enough (sunglasses,bikini’s and it’s acceptable to have sex outside.)

Almost all the time, you tell yourself you’re loving somebody when you’re just using them.

Chuck Palahniuk

“Swearing is a really important part of one’s life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and without enjoying swearing. There used to be mad silly prissy people who used to say swearing was the sign of a poor vocabulary, which is such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies, and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves. The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or of a lack of verbal interest is just a fucking lunatic.”
Stephen Fry

“What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion if the activities or teachings of that religion are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked.
Rowan Atkinson

is it lust?

“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”

today, I'm in a rut.

Hate when guys say they have charm, and really their charm involves talking about their dick getting wet.

“A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.”

Sex And The City

“So don’t hit it and quit it. Just hit it and hit it and

hit it and hit it.”

i loved you but

i didn’t know what to do.

She got up from the bed and gazed at her reflection, her eyes were framed with panda-like black. There could be no explanation as to why; she slept more often than not. Sleeping was the only thing that she believed her mind could be silenced by, or at least her body. The death of thought. Her thoughts sometimes seeped through her down-feathered comas, the monsters under the bed. The worst nights were ones spent alone and anxiety that grew like a vine at the pit of her throat released its chlorophyll into her dreams.

Marlowe Tatiana Granados

Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive.

But I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.

i can feel the winter coming early, she says

all at once and far too quickly

something is changing

your corners are cut

you've been rearranging

your lips are sewn shut

so no words are spoken

an unbearable haze

why is my heart broken

in so many days?

i can’t stand this

not knowing

if you still feel the same way.

"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."

We were in the gold room where everyone finally gets what they want, so I said What do you want, sweetheart? and you said Kiss me. Here I am leaving you clues. I am singing now while Rome burns. We are all just trying to be holy. My applejack, my silent night, just mash your lips against me. We are all going forward. None of us are going back.

lately I have been getting the feeling that no matter what I do, people are never 100% happy with me.

It’s like I'm not good enough or don’t meet their expectations..

"these memories leak

from the facets that weep
hot tears splash against the shower floor
&I stand in the steam
as if inside a dream
I can see her again by the sink
from behind the bathroom mirror
she pulls a thermometer
and placed it underneath my tongue
said ‘you are as pale as a sheet
you look awful my sweet lay down and wait for the sun."

you have shaped me

every inch will be remembered

i don’t want to lose you

i don’t want you gone

i can’t pretend like i haven’t changed

but i can’t pretend like you are the biggest part of my heart

(its always mixed emotions

and tangled fingers

the ending is never as beautiful as the beginning

but time is no longer reversable

i could keep saying take me back take me back

but i want to see whats next

this is a new chapter

this is a new beginning)

just please, don’t let go.

SORRY BOO, STRIKE 2

LAST 2012;

v-day exception: romantic meal, hand cuffs, unwrap me bow outfit, lube and a video recorder.

v-day reality: sat at home, bottle of wine, eating my weight, watching my fat gypsy wedding. Priceless

Dry your eyes mate, I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea.
Dry your eyes mate, I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,

but you’ve got to walk away now, its over.

No one asks those questions any more, the ones that answers could only ever stick in your throat like meat,

and their absence makes the loudest sound.

"All you knew was, you were happy. You really were"

SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO SPEW OVER

THE SIDE AND KEEP ROWING

WE STOPPED CHECKING FOR MONSTERS UNDER OUR BED WHEN WE REALISED THEY WERE LIVING INSIDE OF US

You’re just exposing yourself too much…

"I want you to remember me. If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets."

I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.
Charles Bukowsk

Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides like brothers on a hotel bed.

KNOW ALL YOUR ENEMIES

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."
Oscar Wilde

"How peaceful life would be without love. How safe, how tranquil and how dull."

The Name of the Rose

I WANT THIS, BUT I WANT THAT TOO.

"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it’s our job to invent something better."

I'VE BEEN A BAD, BAD GIRL

I'VE BEEN CARELESS

WITH A DELICATE MAN

AND IT’S A SAD, SAD WORLD

WHEN A GIRL WILL BREAK A BOY

JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN

I just want to fall in love with you over and over and maybe at one point we’ll get tired of each other, but until then, I want you, and just you

There are a few things i am shit at, one of them being a terrible judge of character. I am finding as I am getting older people are getting more shit?! or is that just me, or were people always shit and i was just too young and naive to notice.

naufragous; adj. provoquant naufrage

so yes by all means judge who I use to be,who I am, or will be in the future just politely do it to my face.

LOST LOVERS

"I like your Sunday personality better."

"A room is, after all, a place where you hide from the wolves. That’s all any room is."

Jean Rhys

If this is a test,
I'm losing my shit
Would it kill you to care
As much as I did?

this is not who I am meant to be, this is not where I am meant to be.
This is not the life I am meant to be living.

I can’t stand being apart from you. it’s been getting worse and worse lately. you know, i used to love having time to myself – to read, to think, to turn up the music as loud as my neighbors can stand and dance the days away in my own little world. I used to be fine with being myself, having space to breathe. of course, there was always a longing. you know the one i mean. it happens mostly at night. I always had this yearning I couldn't shake for a boy like you to wrap his arms around me and keep all my silly words locked in. that safety was all I ever craved - a hand on my face for company, a kiss on my neck for reassurance. oh, i waste a lot of words on that feeling.

I didn't know about the side effects. I had no idea about the dizziness or that sick taste you wake up with, all bitter and slick on your tongue. nobody told me about the butterflies.
you know that feeling? I thought it wouldn't hurt but I can feel it killing me. they call it the butterflies in books and it’s got me so hard that I swear mine are made of metal. I've got metal butterflies with silver sharp edges and they’re cutting all my insides to ribbons with razor-sharp wings and relentless sting. it’s a dull ache in my stomach every time my mind conjures up your face. it’s like dying inside out. they fly fast like gas particles, all high pressure and no space to breathe.
I'm terrified that all these ribbons will unfurl and reveal all the things you've ever called ugly.
the books call it love, I call it the flutter of an eyelash and then implosion.
words are wasted because I could never give them to you or anyone.

"You like him because he’s a lost boy. Believe me, I’ve seen it happen before. But do you know what happens to girls who love lost boys? They become lost themselves. Without fail."

I am no longer safe in your arms, of course. something so perfect has no chance against time. I would panic at the thought of your hands before I even knew you existed.
all the wires are breaking one by one.

so why do your fingers twist my stomach into knots?

I can’t help running, I'm just saving myself.

I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It’s always a set-up to the pain of losing them.

Domino

Boys, as well as girls, get better at sex with age. Boys especially, since for some reason young guys think it’s OK not to give girls head in return for the endless BJs we give them, which it is not!! But thankfully, as men age, they begin to understand that it takes more than just ramming the P in the V repeatedly for four minutes to make a girl cum. Seriously,

fuck someone with a child and/or a mortgage and you’ll see what I mean.

SLUTEVER

THEN IT’S TIME TO JUMP ON THE NEXT AVAILABLE HOT STUFF, GRIND YOUR HIPS TO THEIRS AND SEX THEM UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR UNTIL ALL YOUR WORRIES DISAPPEAR

she was one of those souls people don’t understand. Giving them every reason to leave. Yet they didn't She never understood why.

i could now only offer him damaged goods. i’m ruined, i'm rotten to the core - you know this because you've seen it. you left your mark against it. Thank you, my sunken lover - i shall never forget. its a gift in the form of my only regret. this is a familiar moment once again. this is a moment when and I realize for the fifth time when the sun rises that you didn't mean the words you whispered under the blanket of night. you've got a flawless disguise. you had the world fooled. the moon is torn in two. and you trip me up, you drill holes in my head.all over.if only, if only and if only again.distress, this dress.four days to recover, how can we be friends of course, I'll try

but i don’t think it will ever happen again.

Sunday

she is standing on the edge of your time & space

waiting for a train wreck.

Monday

Monday & something

changed. it’s a little cold outside & I am not okay with metal eyes & the usual excuses. I'm

counting the days until you say

"you’re a fool

to think you’d ever catch a sound wave escaping

my lips

unlovable

is but a simple law of physics.

so here is my hand waving goodbye

my language of particles

you catch a cold

& now you’re on your own”

Tuesday

she is standing on the edge of our January

she is standing on the edge of forever

but really

she is standing in a field of sunflowers

& in this fake plastic paradise all the petals say

loves

not.

[ i remember your stupid hair and your stupid suit,

the way you shrug your shoulders & the way

you say baby in such a perfect way. how

i long for you to say that to me.

et il n’est pas ma lune,

et il n’est pas mes étoiles.

she forgets to breathe

& Tuesday,

Tuesday you turn away.

At midnight in the garden, when all the leaves are dead and all the bottles have smashed for the new year, I'm watching the world pass by. everyone is embracing each other, spreading the joy of possibilities.

the future. I can’t wait either. so bring it on. please. oh bring it on ‘cause I am so ready.

Lady

I really have hit an all time low.

there’s this undying anxiety resting like a rock in my stomach. i have to take such deep breaths to numb it. to keep it from killing me. it also means i can’t eat without

feeling sick. i am constantly thinking of vanishing. wiping myself away from the face of the earth. the one that is smirking at me. and it’s all because he won’t call.

“Here's to 2012, kissing all the wrong people and telling everyone my secrets.”

I am so, so sorry for the way that I am.

It sends itself down under the skin & through my bones like an electric shock. it finds my core & settles, freezing me from within.

I lay staring in the inky dark, wishing your arms were around me.

Something she was not looking for: both a beginning and an end

But now she lives inside someone she does not recognize
When she catches her reflection on accident

"there are times when life calls out for a change. a transition. like the seasons. our spring was wonderful. summers over now. we missed out on autumn. and now all of a sudden its cold. so cold everything is freezing over. our love fell asleep. and the snow took it by surprise. but if you fall asleep in the snow you don’t feel death coming. take care."
Faubourg Saint-Denis

“Can I tie your shoelace everyday? Just to make sure you won’t stumble down and fall for someone else.”

Val Cua

XXIX

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T BECOME A BIGGER CUNT...

BUT THEN YOU DID ALWAYS LIKE TO PROVE ME WRONG.

Everyone who has been through a break up knows that it’s pure shit. It’s shit², shit MAX, iShit.

For the weeks, months, and maybe years after your break up you’ll become a fully paid up resident of heartbreak hotel.

29.01.10
03.08.11
07.07.12
10.08.12
11.11.12
26.05.13
30.10.14
23.11.14
04.02.15
20.02.15
28.05.17
03.06.17

When I look in the mirror, I know I'm looking at someone who isn't sure she deserves to be loved at all.

if you remember:

If I ever pushed you away

I didn't really mean to.

When I told you I didn't want to talk about it

I did, I was just looking for the right words.

give me a minute, and if I could of told you; I would have.

I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time.

at the moment,

I am working on the ratio.

when I got really quiet sometimes

it is because I had too much to say

I had thought of too many things to tell you

all at once

and I didn't know what to say first.

I was jealous of anyone

who got to see you on daily basis

I miss you really easily

but also like that we are

a p a r t

and we are both okay. space is good, too.

I loved the way we loved some of the

same things. and I loved how

we loved entirely different things.

my head is a complicated pile of thoughts

and fears, and cravings, and dreams,

and this tangled up nostalgia for the

past and, somehow, the future.

I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and

I am trying. and I am one person and I am two

hands and I am one and I loved you.

heart. and I am so glad you were here baby.

I FOUND MYSELF WHEN

I LOST YOU

don’t waste your lips on words I've heard before, kiss my tired head. and each letter written wastes your hand, young man come and lead me to your bed you gave me hope that id not lost her and then thought it rather strange to see me smile- as I don’t do too much smiling these days. she put on happiness like a loose dress over pain I’ll never know so the peace you had,” she says“ I must confess, I'm glad to see it go.” we’re two white roses lying frozen just outside his door I've made you so happy and so sad, but which should I be more sorry for come kiss my face goodbye, that space below my eye and above my cheek cause I'm faint and fading fast, I see a darkness and I shall be released. I'll pass like a fever from this body, and softly slip into his hands I tried to love you and I failed, but I have another plan.