BUD POETRY AND PUSS: № 11.

is she more beautiful than me?

la belle et la bete.

say to myself that fuck, I don’t even care, but why do I even bother? There is nothing here to prove. or is there? I always wonder how my life would be without this odd portrait of my life, with the photos and words. I wonder if it actually makes my idea of identity twisted. I never thought we were supposed to state who and what we are. Perhaps it is better to show less humanity in it all and become the unreachable and untouchable girl that is on a pedestal far from being called to. I’m trying to find a thread of something that will lead me to content, it isn’t that much to ask. My expectations of the future and near future are ridiculously high, my expectations of people are unparalleled.

why is it that when you’ve finally found the one thing you’ve been looking for you move on to what’s next. the new fixation, what you want and what you can’t have. over time the what you can’t have will become what you can have and eventually it will be found dusty and unloved under your bed.

“You will always be fond of me,

I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”
Oscar Wilde

The Uses Of Sorrow

(In my sleep i dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness

It took me years to understand

that this, was a gift.

I’m a little crazy for him more than i’d like to admit. i still have my dark thoughts, thats something i cant run away from. i think he gets it, it’s everything i need right now.

ex bad girl diary

“I still have a very romantic view of you in the way that you still make me nervous but for no reason at all”

now you’re just somebody that i used to blow

“out of a combination of loneliness, horniness, drunkenness and desperation, I put up with my fair share of ‘casual encounters”

“you were always the confusion that I needed, in a weird kind of way. Confident and striking, I have a lot of good memories from such a short time”

i am

as useless

as the little

bones

in your ear

you are

what keeps

my heart

beating

i am

as empty

as the bottles

on my shelf

you are

the only

thing

that keeps me

breathing

i am

the rain

on you summer day

you are

the sun showers

in late

may

i am

as fucked

can be

i am

nothing

to you

you are

everything

to me.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Rose Kennedy

“Loving my body and being proud of my sexuality makes me feel empowered. Sex is empowering.

Self acceptance and love is empowering. Feel powerful. You deserve it.”

Sasha Grey

“there was a time before you but I can’t remember it now

a time before your beauty and I
were formally introduced
I’m sure I lived without you
but I don’t remember how”
The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan

“The truth is that in the most profound relationships our deepest fears come up for healing. They come up because we feel safe enough with our partner to look at the shadowy aspects of ourselves and begin to integrate them into our awareness.”
Paul Ferrini

“I wanted to write something profound

to show you how much i would miss you.

i couldn’t

So i settled on “I’ll see you soon.”

“If you are a woman, everything revolves around whether or not someone wants to fuck you. Instead of addressing ‘all bodies are beautiful’ how about, ‘it is not necessary to be universally fuckable’?”

fempirestrikesback

“why do you cheat on your wife?”

“because she lets me”

"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending."

Thích Nhất Hạnh

"And you taught me what this feels like.

And then how it feels to lose it.

And you showed me who I wanted.

And then who I wasn’t.

And you ticked every box.

And then drew a line.

And you weren’t mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything I wanted.

And then became something I hated.

And you get thought of every day.

And then not in a good way.

And you let me leave.

And then wish I’d stayed.

And you almost killed me.

But I didn’t die.”

I Wrote This For You

"How do I make myself full again? she asked. You turn to the moon, and you let it devour you, he answered."

Fragment 15

"I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time."

Charles Bukowski

"I have a habit of falling in love with souls who have yet to be at peace with their bodies, their minds, their weaknesses. I try to build them, to find the parts of them that are missing in me.

I end up with holes in my chest.”

Farah Gabdon

Sex is sex. It’s natural. The choice is entirely yours.
You are not a slut/whore because you choose to engage in sex/sexual activity. You are not a prude or a frigid bitch or unmanly if you don’t. It’s your body therefore it’s your decision. If it’s consensual and nothing illegal is taking place, it is not your business to judge others.

unknown

"perfect pornstar pussy" my boyfriend is such a romantic. Got to love that boy.

You could’ve paid more attention.

"The thought of her hands

touching his hair

makes me want to vomit.”

Richard Brautigan

News years is fast approaching, this year has come and gone too quickly. Too much has changed, too much has happened. :-

London victoria station, mega bus, kissing him, him and kissing him, new boyfriend, fresh start, running round bristol, christen car, im so sorry, damaged goods, turned down birthday nookie, police van, broken iphones, broken hearts, you mending me / putting me back together, special K, skype, sex text, cheat, lesson learnt, lost my best friend, made new friends, 21, champagne, video, read my messages, lack of trust, slim down, old girl new tricks, one boy rule, worth the chase, shrooms, lazy lover bed, broken window, moody mornings, depression, you didn’t really know me, share your feelings, Tenby, in-motion, a string of one night stands, who’s in my bed?, leaving you behind, laughing gas, last letters, email you, text you, scream in your face, moving on, (3 ex’s), up all night, spanking, EAT OUT, date night,take me back, climax, leather burns, late night walks, appreciate the little things, no coming back this time, let you in, 2 day get away, shit liar, b a d friends, back seat, bed, out-side, run me a bath, flowers, 13.10.12, 10.11.12, 06.07.12, 11.08.12, 16.06.12, who’s your booty call? , beautiful boy, like me a-lot, we aren’t friends, last looks, it’s never too late, normal dating (never fun), dry humping, drama filled nights, attached to your face, paid holidays, walk you home, sun glasses inside, he’s not good for you (who ever is?), low self esteem, keep the blues away,cant make someone love you, leave the party early [no mistakes], break up, make up, break up, make up. stay away from the green fingers, wish you’d had known everything i was thinking, 3 day bender, mystery girl, stalking at it’s best, drunken phone calls, internet crush, back to the 90s, share a taxi, play the game, all down hill from last new years, couldn’t keep you happy brown eyes, never bored you just gave up, nose pierced, tats, bruises, i-love-you, driving round in my car, hooked, need vs want, selfish, notts, all our silly plans…somethings are better left unsaid.

oh Christ, I just wanted you / to fuck me / and then / I became greedy, I wanted / you to love me.

“I am vulnerable.

Starved for kindness,

and when I receive it,

I lose my mind.”

Marjorie M. Liu

I meet you. I remember you. Who are you? You’re destroying me. You’re good for me. How could I know this city was tailor-made for love? How could I know you fit my body like a glove? I like you. How unlikely. I like you. How slow all of a sudden. How sweet. You cannot know. You’re destroying me. You’re good for me. You’re destroying me. You’re good for me. I have time. Please, devour me. Deform me to the point of ugliness. Why not you? Why not you in this city and in this night, so like other cities and other nights you can hardly tell the difference? I beg of you.

Marguerite Duras, Hiroshima mon amour

"I’m not really worried what people think about me. Because I judge myself harsher, and on more strict terms, than they ever could probably."

Richey Edwards

"I suppose I’m the one responsible for destroying myself.”

"With these drugs, your perception is altered enough that you find yourself looking out of completely strange eye holes. All of us have a great deal of our minds locked shut. We’re shut off from our own world. And these drugs seem to be the key to open these locked doors."

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

"You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain."

Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.

I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women

who haven’t been rubbed by experience.

There is a quality about women who choose

men sparingly:

it appears in their walk

in their eyes

in their laughter and in their

gentle hearts.

Women who have had too many men

seem to choose the next one

out of revenge rather than with

feeling.

When you play the field selfishly everything

works against you:

one can’t insist on love or

demand affection.

You’re finally left with whatever

you have been willing to give

which is often is:

n o t h i n g.

Some women are delicate things

some women are delicious and

wondrous.

If you want to piss on the sun

go ahead

but please leave them

alone

charles Bukowski

"your surprisingly not annoying to be with all the time

i usually like my own space and dislike people in general… one of a kind”

boyfriend

i fell in love with the

morning, how you stumbled out

of bed when you first woke up,

and how your eyes groaned with

exhaustion.

The way your hands grasped my

hipbones while your lips stole

the ending my sentences.

Everyday with you felt like a

month of Sunday mornings with

white bed sheets and lazy

smiles.

The walk home from your house

made me remember what Monday

mornings feel like.

13.10.12

creativity dead

too much time to myself

miss my best friend

alone

is this love that i’m feeling?

there’s an alarm going off

i hate you

nothing matters

fucking/love making to Bob Marley

perfect cum face

don’t move sundays

lazy lover bed

breaking bad

prison break

tell me what your feeling

silent

nose bleed

special K

spanking

intense climax

dark days

perfect lips

perfect ass

lost minutes,

hours

days

is this all an act?

EAT OUT

11.11.12

No help for that

There is a place in the heart that

Will never be filled

a space

and even during the

best moments

and

the greatest

times

we will know it

more than

ever

there is a place in the heart that

will never be filled

and

we will wait

and

wait

in that

space.

She came along and she spoke

so sweetly

changed everything, took my

heart completely

life becomes so much more enjoyable when you learn to stop expecting things, stop telling yourself you’ll be happy one day if this or that finally happens when you understand that you can find as much bliss in this life as you allow yourself to you will be free. this reality we exist in can be so ugly but you’re the only one who can make it everything you want it to be without even trying just look around you and understand that all of this is here for you, you have an amazing mind, a mind that can take you away the current hell you’re in the exact moment you let it. you have the power to make every waking moment something out of a dream so why are you stopping yourself?

unknown

every clue you’re not meant for each other is there from the beginning but you want it so bad to work you ignore all the signs

"cause i made a million excuses why we shouldn't be together

over the past couple of years”

boyfriend

i feel as though i'm drifting away from the people i initially thought i would be friends with my entire life, but the people i have been meeting are so incredible, so i guess it balances out but i feel strange about it

"searching for people willing to feed me and buy me things in exchange for a relationship based on cold detachment and no emotional intimacy"

"Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation mid sentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you."

David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

“I dreamed a thousand new paths. I woke and walked my old one.”

Chinese Proverb

"Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it."

David Foster Wallace

"My spirit was long ago

broken

in lonely places.”

Charles Bukowski

"You start giving to others, and you’ll start to see your pain fade away. If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. Kill narcissus. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living."

Vargus, Archie’s Final Project

“After all, you’re the only one that can answer for your sins.”

fine, fine. You win. Is that what you want? You ought to stop looking at me like that. Maybe i was in love with you or are in love with you or will always be slightly in love with you but i will quit you and you it will happen. You don’t have to be such a bastard. You bought me up to a too-high place, and now you’re the one who’s bringing me back down below the surface. i hate you, a lot. So stop smiling. Stop acting like you’re happy to see me. Stop it. if i could never see you again, if i could never have to talk to you again, if i could never have to look at you again. If i could.

lost story.

I hated looking at myself and realizing that I didn’t like what I saw.

I hate looking back at things I have done and wondering why I was like that.

"when do you wanna see me next?

babyy?

…

you watching porn again?”

boyfriend

I know it hurts…But it’s life, and it’s real. And sometimes

it fucking hurts, but it’s life, and it’s pretty much all we got
Garden State

"I have a million things to talk to you about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk.
I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning."

No longer single, amy and blake, bonnie and clyde. i don’t know.

Fucking till you get a nose bleed, well that was certainly something new.

Letting people in has never been my forte, guys never made a big fuss about it hence why they never got close enough…how can it even be a normal relationship when the other person is closed off? It’s not fair to either person so i certainly want to change my tune.
I’m hoping that’s enough for now.

"I am still so naive; I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am."
Sylvia Plath

i could never get sick of you i just fall deeper and deeper into obsession

"The Ego, however, is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval. It wants control, and it is sustained by power, because it lives in fear."
Deepak Chopra

"Millions of people have decided not to be sensitive. They have grown thick skins around themselves just to avoid being hurt by anybody. But it is at great cost. Nobody can hurt them, but nobody can make them happy either."

Osho

"eating nik naks in bed naked watching v for vendetta, missing this sexy boy i know. What about you sir?”

" watchin some trippy documentary and cravin the company of some girl that loves nik naks and nudity”

"i have two people living inside of me, one who’s blissful, understanding and kind and one who’s miserable, hateful and destructive. i never know which one is really me"

i never let people in, people say they know/knew me but i don’t really know myself. i push the people i love out of my life, i really do treat them like shit and i am always surprised when they leave me (i still don’t understand why i do this, it’s not out of boredom) i am trying to change these bad habits i have picked up and finally want to feel comfortable with content. i say most things just to get a reaction or because I am just shitless of actually people getting close to me.

"I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling."

Haruki Murakami

If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be would you go along with someone like me?If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history would you go along with someone like me?

Have you ever read something that fucked you up inside? Like a text message or someone’s status. Everything was going fine

until you accidentally came across something you didn’t want to read. Or found out something you were better off not knowing. It’s almost as if it was posted just to purposely hurt you. But you constantly read it over and over again to torture yourself. It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day.